Calamity; You're Not What I Wanted...

I would love to tell you that it was all worth it.

Hiding beneath the good intentions and smiling

through the darkness and the pain; lost in darkness pit,

violins pierce darkness; lifting me up on angelic wing.

From across the room I can feel you watching, silently

judging with those cold jaded eyes.  If I ever get back

to the place that I once was, not here so regretfully

crouched in the corner, emotion beginning to crack.

I swear to you I could have been a different person

but we both know that due to a toss of fate's coin

it wasn’t going to end in any other distinct fashion.

Now it’s too late to tell each other who might have won.

If I lie awake for one more night, pretending you

can feel me needing you and desiring what we had known,

would it be a total lie?  Turn the music up so loud it blew

right through the placental barrier of my headphones.

Even that won’t drown out the sound coming through the old

radio relegated to the attic of memory; voices of loves long gone.

Ghostly chains that rattle through the halls of memory untold

stir up the echoes of the love once shared but now done.

I can still see Danny’s face, smiling before he ate the gun,

and we both knew that was going to be the end of it for us

because as much as I loved you, he came between us, an evil pun

and we both knew that I wanted to take his place, without such fuss.

Now as we say our final goodbye, one final thing, a last request

nags on my mind, because I still have so much to say

there are things that need to be said.  You always were best,

a love I could never conquer.  You kept my demons at bay

and without your heart, such a fragile thing to wear on a sleeve

I now know that I would be the one, lying there, on display.

I have since come to know, I swear I have to believe

that you were the one who was destined to go away.

It is I who must stay here, endure this pain because you were pure,

too righteous for the guilt and shame that now rack my soul.

Not too much longer now, I’ll be coming home to you, will I through

these damned eyes see your shining spirit?  Your entirety, your whole

beautiful being that could never be tainted by the blackness of mine?

Somehow I know that I have failed you.  You were the one

holding back the pain, helping me forget the dangers, the crime

and the anxiety of love’s long virtue  now come undone.

Life’s little book that you and I once shared, now set aflame

in agony, no longer the passion of our uncharacteristic youth

will be the only thing left that will ever be here to remain.

I know that it can’t rain all the time, but my quivering mouth

cannot begin to grasp waterfalls of tears streaming down my cheek.

I wish that they could see through my camouflage, and that this cage

has held me prisoner for far too long.  I would run but I’m too weak

and now I realize that in order to survive I’ll have to give in to the rage,

hateful, raw emotion that used to course through every dirty kiss we shared.

As the ground swallows you whole I say my final goodbye, once again

wishing that I could trade you places, but secretly knowing you fared

better than I ever could have.  Once I thought I would do anything to begin

again with you, but you aren’t mine anymore, you belong to something else

never to be mine, to hold, to touch, to caress or care for again.   What has built

up inside me is now the acidic drops of regret but that is my pain, for worse

or for better, you get to sleep the sleep…  

© 2014 p.hill

...a father's wish - verse #2...

Oh my little child, what changes will you see?

So unaware of the world now that is now to be

your new home so far away from my heart,

now that we have grown up and grown apart.

Oh my little child, were you ever aware

of the gaze of the world’s persistent stare?

To look upon a child so meek and so mild

discouraged to ever let you once run wild.

Oh my child, what will this new found freedom show

to your young mind so inquisitive, so eager to know

those secrets of the universe, waiting to be unlocked.

I pray for you, that you’ll never once be blocked

     in your quest to find who you really are .

Oh my child, I pray so heartily that you are never far

in spirit from the loving arms where you now are.

With a world now at your fingers, so easy to touch

you’ll never be who you were, at least, not so much.

Oh my child, once again, above all I pray that will you forever know this;

I’ll always be there, in spirit or flesh, to give you one last goodnight kiss.

Forever will you stay here, tucked in my arms,

Never, ever, will you have to fear for safety or harm.

© 2014 p.hill

Obscenely Serene

We met in the emergency room, remember?

Your quiet blue eyes rolled past me, just a subtle glimpse.

On this putrid summer day, not yet September,

your pale skin fairly glowing under tawdry overhead light.

Your face didn’t seem to indicate a desire to converse.

I wanted to ask you what your story was,

but I seriously doubted that in any universe

my imagination could compare to the truth of it all.

We passed in the hall; such a sterile meeting place.

Not even a whisper of breeze, so obscenely serene.

I know I shouldn’t look at you, in such a state of disgrace,

but your face tells me there is a story, begging to be told.

Underneath the white cotton sheet your body gives form

to a frail body speckled in blood and delicate gore;

body’s human perfection now broken and torn.

A testament to trauma’s unlimited capability.

Outside the automatic doors the swollen clouds have ruptured,

pouring sweaty tears down upon blistering concrete sidewalks.

Mother Nature herself gnashes at the audacity mirrored

in the cold and chemical bleached hallways of this tomb.

We met one day, not long ago, in an emergency room

hall while outside nature disapproved of the slight against

one of her children with lightning and thunder’s loud boom.

So quick was our introduction on that fateful day that

there was no way to properly introduce myself, much less

a proper way to say goodbye.  I was on my way out the door

and you were on your way to the morgue.  But, I digress,

too much do I wander in thought.  For we shall meet no more.

© 2014 p.hill