tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18707649896338939122023-11-15T07:47:39.805-07:00Such business..... NefariousReverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-11226209933743971432015-03-18T23:33:00.001-06:002015-03-18T23:33:12.297-06:00...a father's wish - verse #3...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Oh my child, the sun’s rays brightly shone down on you</div>
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its shadow marking green grass where you stood and grew.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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A path of brilliance punctuated by dark and cloudy days</div>
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reminding you that you should never be set in your ways.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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Oh my child, the stars fell to earth watching over you</div>
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on countless nights lighting your room in electric hue.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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Giving you comfort in those times when I couldn’t be near</div>
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working too long, too hard, so you would never have to
fear.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Oh my child, I prayed that I could give you that life</div>
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you so richly deserved, devoid of torment or strife.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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A life that you could enjoy; be free to be an original child</div>
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knowing that you could on summer’s long days run wild.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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Oh my child, I ask you now, as your father, did I succeed?</div>
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Did I give you a life, such that you’d never have to want
or need?</div>
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<br /></div>
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I gave it everything that I could, I know I was often
misunderstood.</div>
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at times probably a loud embarrassment in the
neighborhood.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Oh my child, one last time, for always know this, I beg
of you please</div>
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whenever you falter, whenever you stumble, cry or so much
as sneeze</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I will be there to hold you tight, to catch you, to be
the barrier against</div>
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evils of the world that would try and cause you to in any
way resent</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the choices
you have made, for good or for ill, because you will always be</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the most
perfect specimen in all the world, most especially to me.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
© 2015 p.hill<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a></div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-69105379662126982592015-02-26T22:44:00.000-07:002015-03-01T14:39:12.235-07:00Tomorrow Now Gone; My Paradox<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">because
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I’ve intentionally
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">and all that
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">your
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">This road
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Now I’m so
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I’ve
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">rescue and
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">all that was
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">To follow on
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I know would
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">So it’s just
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">© 2015
p.hill</span></div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-24874316022128906812015-02-26T22:06:00.000-07:002015-02-26T22:44:57.013-07:00First on Scene<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that I think
of it, getting the mail that day was the problem, I should have left it for my wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The summons from the court in said day's mail
brought it all back, and I very perceptibly began to shudder, an involuntary
kind that ran through my body due to a good portion of the last year having been
spent repressing the memories of that night, if not being able to totally
forget them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I was forced to reexamine
those emotions and memories again, and no amount of liquid, over the counter
addictions were going to put them back into a subconscious state.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you would ask
me about that night, I would tell you it was, well, <i>sticky</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>June 28, 2012, started out pretty normal, and
was on track to end normal, but most assuredly it did not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is nothing normal about having to peel
a man’s shattered face off of the downtown pavement.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">they</i> never told me about vehicle
crashes, what <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">they</i> never mention in
the movies is the hyper excited state I entered when the crash happened, or
rather, upon hearing it happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was never
told about the scents that come from these crashes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How the sickly sweet scent of motor oil on
pavement; the acidic coppery scent of blood, will hang heavy in midsummer’s moist
air.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">They</i>
never told me what it would feel like to wash another man’s blood from
underneath my fingernails, watching the lazy red runnels swirl about the white
porcelain sink or having to stow a crimson stained T-shirt at the bottom of the
garbage can, so as not to arouse suspicion from my curious children and inquisitive wife.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I live in a small
house, in a quiet neighborhood, on North Grand Avenue, in an older neighborhood
of Bozeman, with my beautiful wife and six adorable children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>With that many people occupying such a small house, without the convenience
of central air conditioning, windows are seemingly always open, fans seemingly
always stirring swampy stagnant air from the depths of the basement to
circulate some form of cooler air to the sweltering family room, above.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These living conditions often lead to bouts
of insomnia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Insomnia and open windows
can be the devil’s playground, or a gateway to someone’s salvation.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My neighborhood
is a quiet one, a historical relic from the original parts of Bozeman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of the homes in this area are no less
than 60 years old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like any residential
street there is traffic, sometimes at various hours of the night, but for the
most part, residents of this neighborhood live in peace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a park nearby to our house where my
kids can, and often do run. This park is bordered by a softball diamond where we’ve
taught each other to hit fly balls and overrun first base.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all very mundane in a “Leave it to
Beaver” type of way, which is the way I like it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s safe.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As far back as I can
remember I have been a movie lover, nay <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fanatic</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are many movies that stand out in my
life, for whatever reason, and one of those particular movies is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Black Hawk Down</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a historical context that it points
to, a time and place in my life that I cannot get away from.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s a beautifully choreographed film detailing what many perceive to be
a failure, but what was in reality, a success by mission standards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even the mission code name, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Gothic Serpent</i>, has a serious and
striking tone, resonating throughout my mind.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my box of
“stuff” in the garage, I know that there is still a copy of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Newsweek</i>, which still bears the image of dead special operations
soldiers being drug through the filthy streets of Mogadishu, Somalia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This particular magazine issue is important
to me, not because of the sadistic horror displayed on its cover, but because
this was the issue that I read, cover to cover, over and over again, that
helped me to decide that I wanted to be a journalist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the tender age of 14 I knew what I wanted to do with my
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was also the first time I
realized the fragile state that is life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have watched <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Black Hawk Down</i> quite literally over one
hundred times and I have a notorious ability for falling asleep during the
movie and then awakening later, still knowing exactly where I am at in the movie,
and what’s going on; this much to my wife’s chagrin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was on this particular sweltering night, at the end of June, sleep
deprived and insomniatic that I found myself watching said film, volume turned
up so loud that noise from the helicopter’s rotors seemed to pulse and buffet the
very walls of my home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kept checking
on my wife and children to ensure that I wasn’t waking them, but they slept
right through the movie, and the ensuing drama.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t know if they will ever know what a blessing it would be.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a general
rule, police cars, fire trucks, and ambulances are designed to attract
attention, and cause people to notice them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When these vehicles began to congregate on my quiet block in the early
hours of the morning, I was sure there would be no way to escape the blaring
cacophony outside; to have everyone sleep through it, but they did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone, that was, but Annie.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">SON OF A BITCH!</i>” I yelled to the dark
street.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There, next to the curb, was my
wife’s vehicle, now with a gigantic gash in the tire, body damage and
destruction scattered across the pavement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some ass clown had just hit my wife’s vehicle and driven off, leaving me
to now have to take photos and file a police report.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t even remember bringing my flashlight
and cell phone outside with me, but they appear in my hand, as if by their own
volition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A ghastly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">HISSING</i> spat into the air, blatant evidence of the defiled and
quickly deflating tire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Traces of
shattered plastic litter the pavement from the gaping socket of the gouged out
rear tail light. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The white, narrow
focused beam plays down the length of my wife’s vehicle, showing garish
scratches and fresh dents and…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was
that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A tire spinning…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Faint red tail light, blinking
haphazardly…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Him…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The bright beam
of my MagLite flashlight played over the body lying in the road, showing the
obscene and copious amount of blood pooled around what I was immediately sure
was a corpse.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve seen dead
bodies before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the remote town of Havre, Mont., many
years ago, I once saw the aftermath of a man who had fallen between two train
cars and been cut in half as cleanly as if by a butcher’s blade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through my folding binoculars, atop the steps
of an Amtrak passenger car, he appeared to be so much road kill and the overall
effect of the gruesome terror was lost due to the distance between me and the
poor soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can still, though, see the
white picket rails of his ribs as they were newly exposed to chilly evening
air. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of the
bodies that I have seen, though, have been made up as mannequins, lying in silken
boxes ready to be inserted back into the earth from which my faith tells me
they originally came.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Nine-One-One.
What’s your emergency?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The voice on the
phone was far more professional than I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was coming unglued by the second, but this voice was cool and calm,
clear and professional.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would I
say?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That there was a dead guy laying in
the road, that he just happened to hit my wife’s vehicle and skid out of
control?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That when his motorcycle
crashed it sent him flying some twenty feet and that he then proceeded to skid
another seven feet or so?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How would I
explain that what was once a man was now so much ground meat on the pavement?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A sound like a
vacuum makes when it sucks up water began to emanate from the “corpse.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The previously lifeless body began to writhe
in the pool of blood, further abrading an already shredded face, like soft
cheese on a grater, against the warm pavement.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How has he not
been hit by another vehicle?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How had
this man not been run over, causing further destruction?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Answers to these questions still evade me,
but again my faith tells me that there was a higher power watching over that
man, and me for that matter, as I knelt in the street next to him.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Words flew out of
my mouth incoherently, “…aspirating on blood…possible head injury…motorcycle
crash…dying in front of me…”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no
idea if I sounded as lunatic on the phone as I did in my head.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hang on sir;
we’re dispatching officers to your location.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The voice on the other end of the line was still so cool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Professional.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Had I given them
my address?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I honestly don’t
remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that they could pull it
off my cell phone through the GPS, but had they done that so quickly?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really wasn’t sure what I was saying,
anymore, because the initial moment of when time stood still, when I first
witnessed the body, had all started to unravel and seemed to be rapidly
spooling out of control.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know when
Annie showed up but suddenly she was beside me, dressed in a long T-shirt and
not much else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My neighbor grabbed my
flashlight and immediately began signaling the first cruiser to show up on my
quiet little street.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And like flies to a
bright light, they came, one by one, soon in droves.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Within a matter
of minutes the entire street was cordoned off to the intersecting roads at each
end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lights from the cruisers washed
over, and played with the corresponding lights from the fire trucks and the ambulances,
creating a surrealistic light show that lit neighboring houses in a ghastly
glow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not even the sterile light from
nearby arc sodium lights could penetrate the hues that should have been
comforting but was somehow still creepy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I originally
mistook for a corpse was now a groaning, writhing man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pure survival instinct caused this man's brain to
flood the body with adrenaline, in a mad and desperate effort to extricate itself from the
contorted pose in which he now lay.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The white strappy
tank top shirt, knee length khaki board shorts and flip flops didn’t do much to
protect his body from the impact of the street.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My initial, and cursory, examination of this man’s body was far from
complete.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lying face down I didn’t know
that there was a V-shaped depression where his collar bone used to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know that ribs had been broken, or
knees had been shredded to the bone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Somehow, the comforting shadows of the night had kept these particular
sights from me, and I wasn’t informed of them until later, when I received the
report from the police detective.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not sure how
it happened that I was kneeling on him, but there I was, when paramedics
arrived, trying to keep this man’s convulsing body under some semblance of
control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The raw energy that was now
coursing through his body was nothing short of an electric current; a pure,
primal rage trying desperately to keep the shattered frame alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My initial fear was that his brain would
cause further injury to his body, that possible head and spinal injuries would
either cripple or kill him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I knelt
on his shoulder blades, trying to hold on as a bull rider does, praying to keep
him stable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This ride, though, proved to
be tougher than any eight seconds a rodeo pro had ever endured.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A paramedic
appeared with a straight board and firmly, but gently, removed me from the back
of the pained man. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It’s OK, you can get
off him now; we’ve got him.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The voice
was so soft, so gentle; I wasn’t sure if I was hearing things or if he had
actually spoken to me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked around,
bewildered, not sure of what was going on, but there, on my camo fleece pajama
pants that I wore was a sticky maroon oval from this man’s blood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The policeman who was near me gently escorted
me back to the curb in front of my house as we spoke about what had happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was joined, soon thereafter, by another
female officer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both asked me questions,
intensely interviewing me for what I had seen and and what I had heard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Under other circumstances, it could have
easily been viewed as an interrogation.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Did you see what happened?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Is this your vehicle?”<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Do you live here?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Did you call 9-1-1?”<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Do you know this man?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Tell me what happened.”<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Were you the first on scene?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Officers in
uniform surround me with their digital recorders in my face, asking questions
like paparazzi questioning Hollywood’s newest starlet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The questions seem to be coming from every
direction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that what they want is
the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but I feel like Tom
Cruise, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The truth of the
matter is that a bloodied and mangled man has been loaded into the back of a
waiting ambulance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are probably 30
different men and women, in varying uniforms, milling around snapping photos
and taking various forms of measurement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Spray paint marks the gashes on the pavement, tape measures run the
length of the street, notes are scratched on yellow legal tablets.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to scream
at them, “Why aren’t you doing your job?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Why are you just standing there?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Why didn’t that ambulance move a bit faster?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where are the lights, the sirens, and the
flashers…?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It hits me that
there is no need to rush because the poor mangled body gave up, the fight has
left that poor man and his soul has departed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After all of that, the battle to keep him safe and still, he died
anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is quite literally another
man’s blood on my hands, and I'm pretty sure that if I look hard enough, I can still see it staining my skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The three o’clock
hour has come and gone and I’m still wide awake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Blood that was tacky at the onset of this
little adventure has now dried to a macabre Halloween makeup on my hands, arms,
and knees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A tow truck a few houses
down, operated by a bleary eyed driver, manhandles the wreckage of the crashed
motorcycle onto its flatbed with all the care a butcher shows a particular cut
of meat.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Metal grinds on
metal and the very sound is making my skin crawl because I can see that man’s
broken body, the image burned into my psyche, and even though my mind processes
the image as a motorcycle my imagination cannot help but superimpose the broken
man’s body into the scene.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the year of
our Lord, One Thousand Nine Hundred and Ninety Nine, I attended a funeral for a
girl, barely a woman, whom I think I was very much in love with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was killed by a drunk driver who tore
into her car at 85 miles per hour; the force of the impact literally
decapitating her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a closed casket
funeral on a cold winter February afternoon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The sound that the tow truck made hauling that mangled bike onto the
flatbed was damn near the sound the backhoe made carving into the frozen earth
of the windswept prairie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Death, as the
phrase goes, does not become me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally,
finally…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The flashing lights go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The tow truck leaves with its not so precious
cargo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without a further word of contact
police officers mount their vehicles and depart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As quickly as the street became a surreal
nightmare, it is once again quiet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like
a graveyard, it seems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fitting, I
suppose.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">they</i> didn’t tell me is that even
adrenaline has a limit to the lengths it can sustain a body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">they</i>
didn’t tell me was that after an event such as this, when I was as unprepared
as I was, I was very likely to be left sobbing on the linoleum floor of my
bathroom, covered in another man’s blood, while tears ran hot and salty down my
cheeks and my chest heaved and hitched.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not very manly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not how a hero should react, but then
again, I’m no hero.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I didn’t
know was that stashing that T-shirt at the bottom of the garbage was harder
than any other act I have ever committed in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An act of betrayal so thorough because how do
I tell my wife why I haven’t been in the bed for the last three or so
hours?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do I tell her that, as far as
I know, a man died in my arms tonight?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How do I tell her that I saw our neighbor, a devoted wife and mother, in
her night clothes and that it bothered me more than that man’s blood because I
felt as if I had betrayed a trust with her husband, a man I call a friend.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I scrubbed my
fingers raw, and scraped the underside of my fingernails to get the last bits
of flesh and blood out from under them, supporting my body weight on the edge
of my tiny bathroom’s meager counter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
quietly crept down the creaky wooden stairs and dug through the laundry baskets
to find a clean white undershirt to wear to bed; changed from my pajama pants into
nylon gym shorts praying I would be able to rinse the blood out of the pants
before anyone noticed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can they smell
the blood in the basement?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter how
much I scrub myself down, I swear I can <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">feel</i>
the stench on me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know if it’s
my memory playing tricks on me, but I swear I can still see the faint outlines
of blood on those pajamas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why I don’t
throw them away, I have no idea…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Crawling into
bed, “Where have you been?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her sleepy
voice implies that she has no idea what has transpired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why am I angry with her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the love of God, she was just spared a
horror that I cannot even begin to at that moment describe to her, but have
taken great care and length to detail, now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do I say to
her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I lie?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I tell her that a bout of insomnia has
kept me awake for these last hours?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No,
in a moment of weakness I tell her everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Her confusion is rational as she tries to wake herself up, to fully
comprehend the details of the story that regurgitate from my mouth in a
torrential flood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still don’t tell her
about the shirt at the bottom of the garbage can, though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That detail will go with me a bit further,
and until this moment I thought, to the grave.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Old addictions
really do die hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nine years of
sobriety were very near at the teetering point, ready to be pushed off the edge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suddenly things that I was so very close to
being able to put behind me came back, so quick; so damn quick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">They</i>
say that nicotine is harder to quit than heroin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll believe that, I’ve been under the heels
of both of those devils.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But suddenly cigarette
brands I hadn’t seen in years were now near at hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found myself standing in the beer and wine
aisles of grocery stores with no cognitive memory of how I got there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stared into the eyes of many a cashier girl
as I realized that nine years was too good a track record to break and so I
would walk off, leaving a six pack of imported beer at the register, refusing
to pay or succumb to that malignant evil ever again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Willpower doesn’t
always win out, though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The occasional
insomnia grew into frequent bouts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
frequent bouts grew into stretches of a few days where I would sit in front of
the TV, no idea what was going on, what time it was, or really who I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was buying two packs of over the counter
sleep aid liquid to the point that I’m sure the people at the store thought I
was starting a meth lab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Discarding
the measuring caps from those bottles and taking long swigs from those bottles
is generally the first sign of trouble, and it was then that I realized I was in deep.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In less than a
month I had gone from a loving father and husband to a husk, devoid of
cognitive thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know what I
was doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took a phone call to<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a friend of mine, who had spent some time in
Iraq, to ask her, basically plead with her, to tell my story to someone who
would listen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Someone who had seen death
and carnage, first hand and up close, she was well aware of the pungent smell
of blood mixed with sweat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She knew what
scorched and torn bodies looked like, felt like and smelled like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of all of the
senses, the olfactory sense is the one most haunting; the way that I can walk
past a random person and pick up a random scent of perfume and immediately be
transported to another time with different people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why does the sense of smell haunt me so?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With vision I can fool myself into thinking I
saw something else, and my hearing isn’t all that good, so I can generally
trick myself into thinking that I didn’t heard what I thought I heard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the sense of
smell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s that powerful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And as long as I live I will always have that
cloying scent hanging heavy in the back of my throat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter what medication I spoon into my
throat, no matter what beverage I imbibe, there will always be that thickly heavy
scent of blood and motor oil hanging like a caustic ball of mucus at the back
of my throat.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s called
survivor’s guilt, a form of PTSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
mind had somehow convinced me that it was me who should have perished.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, it’s more common than the public
is led to believe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mind can’t
rationalize the death and destruction it sees, so it attempts to associate with
the image.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thus, if the mind sees death,
it wants to become death.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, over a year
later, the summons in my hand was being crumpled under the pressure of my fist,
the official and legal blue coversheet drenched in sweat that poured from my
skin, causing it turn from a regal shade of legal blue to a pale shade of dead blue.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What could I tell
a courtroom full of people?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What could
they possibly know, or want to know, that wasn’t already known through stacks
of interviews and official police reports?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was at work,
stumbling through the days when my cell phone rang; not knowing the number I
let it go to voicemail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I gave that
phone call no second thought and went about my day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would like to be able to say that I was
cruising through my day but the over the counter addiction was fast numbing my
body, and it was no small miracle that I was even able to move at all.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting home that
evening I made my way to the back yard and found myself sitting on the lazy
yard swing my wife had purchased for herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s quiet in the backyard and in that corner, where the lawn always
seems a bit overgrown because the mower won’t fit and the corded trimmer just
won’t reach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sat in that corner, while
the faded red paint of the wooden fence chipped and flew in the slight breeze
as the swing bumped against the old wood, making a noise that was slightly
comforting and slightly nauseating in the very same motion.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Musing through
voicemails I skipped some, deleted others, saved most as I told myself the lie
that I would come back to them and give them their due diligence but knowing
full well that after about ten days my phone would automatically delete them
because <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">it</i> knew better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It</i>
knew that I wasn’t going to ever think twice about those voicemails and that
for all intents and purposes…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Patrick this is
Duane, we met a few weeks ago, in front of your house…”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The voice on the
other end of the message.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had heard it
before, although at that particular time it had sounded as if it were a vacuum
trying to work underwater.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, through a
mouthful of blood.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without even
being aware, I broke down in tears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All
of the pent up emotions that I had tried to hold back were now flooding out of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My wife was standing next to me, not knowing
what was going on, only that her husband was staring at the digital screen of
his phone, crying his eyes out; sobbing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The missed call
was his.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I immediately hit REDIAL.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I prayed he would pick up before I lost my
nerve and simultaneously prayed he wouldn’t so I wouldn’t have to hear that
voice again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hello…?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The gravel voice trembled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such a meek voice.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Duane, we met a
few weeks ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you remember?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The horrible wet sucking sound again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was trying not to cry into the phone, and
failing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So was I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It didn’t matter.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the next 45
minutes he related to me stories he had been told by his family members.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How we had been driven to the hospital with
no sense of urgency because the EMTs weren’t sure he was even technically alive
anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How the courageous staff at the
Bozeman hospital had done all they could, short of giving him his last rights before
sending him via air ambulance to Billings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How the staff at the Billings hospital had done all they could short of
giving him his last rights.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like Doubting
Thomas of Biblical fame I allowed his voice to let my hands trace his wounds;
the steel bar that was now his rib.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
scars on his head from where his skull had been fractured and repaired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The wiring in his jaw that held it together,
now a permanent addition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw all of
this, and none of this, because I had no point of reference as to what kind of
man he was before we met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All I could
conjure now was a stylized movie robot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A twisted six million dollar man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A malformed creation of a mad scientist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A scarred face that still belonged to a loving daughter who wasn’t yet
old enough to know why her daddy had been away for a while.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when the
conversation ended there was a spark back in my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just a tiny spark.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And like the greedy hoarder and poetic
warrior, <i>Reverand</i>, I held that flame close for fear of letting it get blown out...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wonder how, now
so many months later, will I tell my children about that night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have seen the scars that the street
still bears, the scars that I still bear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They have yet to meet Duane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Would it be easier to show them clips of The Airborne Toxic Event’s
video “Sometime Around Midnight” or Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” and hope
that they catch the inferred meaning?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bottles of over
the counter elixir are still close at hand, but the desire is not so
strong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can walk through an aisle of
beer and wine and not be tempted, not as much, now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The urge to stare into the black abyss of the gun cabinet is gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has taken a lot of friends, many whose
privilege I wore out crying on their shoulder, but the demon doesn’t haunt me
anymore, well not that much.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As for the blue
paper?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s still there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will always be there, but this time the
story won’t contort me, force me into grotesque shapes of mental
torridness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The courts will have their
address from me and then I will wash my hands of this story, for once and for all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The demon that stares back at me, from the
dimly lit corners of my living room will no longer hold sway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not anymore.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was it all worth
it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pain, the agony, the stress and
suffering, both his and mine?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was it all
worth it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time will be the judge on that
account.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
© 2013 p.hill</div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-22268055285204780562015-02-06T22:59:00.000-07:002015-02-06T22:59:11.630-07:00Failure<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“What do you see when the darkness comes?”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
such a haunting question for such a simple conversation.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“I see the demons of dreams long dead,” I say.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
He looks at me, through me, as if he could shun</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
the abomination in front of him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such an arcane answer</div>
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to such a generic question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If this long standing pun</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
would just end now, that would be better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However</div>
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we choose to let it continue on and now has begun</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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to grow stale.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
wish that this inane banter would fucking stop!</div>
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I know a way I could make it stop, but I don’t have a gun</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
with me just this moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Besides public suicide </div>
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is frowned upon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There seems to be an aversion</div>
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<br /></div>
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to having brain matter splayed on the walls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If</div>
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I could just answer with “I see an intrusion</div>
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<br /></div>
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of the darkness that I call home!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shouting this</div>
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I throw my fists up screaming to those who listen</div>
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<br /></div>
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that this is not what I had planned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I see all the times</div>
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when I could have made you proud.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s time to run.</div>
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<br /></div>
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The fear of failure that has caught up with me</div>
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and now threatens to choke out the light of the sun.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I look him square in the eyes, cornea’s ablaze with fire,</div>
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“Now my friend, this is the end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, we are done.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-55775435522505810292015-02-05T22:46:00.000-07:002015-02-05T22:46:12.364-07:00Death on Tobin's Bed<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I was lying on Tobin’s rank
bed</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">when his crazy stars fell
on me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Glowing ceiling tiles lit
in shades of </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">green, blue, orange and red</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">flew at me; so many comets
set free.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Was I really tripping on
acid?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Feeling them hit me,
envelope my body</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">penetrate me and pulse
through me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Falling to warped wooden
planks of the floor;</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I swear that it took damn
near forever.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Laughing so hard I coughed
and threw up</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">covered in drugs and
rancid spoor</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">with tastes of bile and stomach
churn</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">abrasive, heavy on my
tongue.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">And then Tobin hit me with
unrelenting fists.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Again and again, waves
pounding, fiery burn</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">it was not a good thing,
such an awful</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">feeling. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No that pain was the not the same</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">as feeling those Gods be
damned stars.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Crying out through a nasty
mouthful</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">of vomit and pills, bong water
pass…</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Passing out and violently reawakening</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">in another time and other spaces.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Where am I?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was that the white grass</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">or green sheets that
caress,</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">envelope my sweat sick
body.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Feeling a needle jab into
my arm, </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">a rush as my heart
accelerates</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">just past light speed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God, those stars…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Not quite gone, not quite
lucid. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Hollow tinny sound of
someone laughing</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">it wasn’t me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was just too far… </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Muted voices chattering
far off, too shrill</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">knowing full well that they
still weren’t me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Knowing then, that my innocence
was lost</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">never to be able to
return, for good or for ill.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">One day soon I realized
that I was going to die.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I just didn’t think it was
going to be tonight.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Not while I was lying
here, on Tobin’s filthy bed,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">because all I wanted to do
was get high.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">© 2015 p.hill</span></div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-35012580124326440512015-02-05T22:25:00.001-07:002015-02-05T22:25:33.696-07:00Summer's Dawn<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br /></div>
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Summer’s dawn forcing Morpheus to relinquish his
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granite peaks.</div>
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carved ruts as</div>
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a cool night and rough ground,</div>
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<br /></div>
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Logs stacked so neatly, so precise, on the evening
previous now fallen haphazardly, in shambles,</div>
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now become fuel to rekindle our early morning breakfast
fire, ready to be stoked.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Our campsite has yet to fully wake, for now the morning and
moment belongs to us,</div>
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a father and son could not have asked for better views,
or better company.</div>
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<br /></div>
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© 2015 p.hill</div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-49223873861271333782015-02-02T21:24:00.000-07:002015-02-02T21:24:09.979-07:00I'm sorry, I forgot...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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So many years in the blink of an eye; what happened?</div>
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We said goodbye, noncommittal promises so easily begot,</div>
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I remembered it all so much later, after the bitter end</div>
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that we’d said we'd get that date for coffee; I’m sorry that I
forgot.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Faint smudges of cherry lipstick on your collar, a sad
truth</div>
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of how I wanted to reach out and make it disappear ,blot</div>
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out the shine of your smile, so perfect in dimly lit
corridors of youth;</div>
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so much that I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sorry I forgot.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Your delicate hand; your face, somehow not quite the
same.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I imagine in my mind </div>
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watching you, waiting for that wistful smile, eyes closed
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of regret as cold winter wind mourned outside; incomparable
to the mourning inside.</div>
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Despair flooded my heart and I promised to always
remember; I’m sorry but I forgot.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Fly forward, years with memories taking shape on
kites of thoughts and impressions.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Faded imprints of your face is all that is
left, a vivid photograph now left to rot,</div>
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it’s all gone by so fast, pain so constant, now beyond
numb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Cursed, </span>forgotten sins,</div>
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I swore I'd always remember this day, a morbid
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<br /></div>
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I forgot the pain, you…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For just a moment I allowed rays of bright sunshine
in,</div>
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praying it would dispel your spirit, a ghost I still see in the arms of memory.</div>
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All of a sudden there was a life without you, a life
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to see what it was like without you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I forgot you, and eternally
I am sorry.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
© 2015 p.hill</div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-64814477378925769972015-02-01T15:17:00.000-07:002015-02-01T15:17:16.661-07:00Cari<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
is splayed out before me; a sick melodrama.</div>
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<br /></div>
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It should not have happened, the world now knows, </div>
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you were put on display for shock and ratings.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Everyone is sorry because God chose not to favor you,</div>
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though we pray to him for peace. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Taken from me, taken from us all I cry unabashedly,</div>
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drowning in hard liquor and harder tears. </div>
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<br /></div>
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The rest of the world is a million miles away,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
nonexistent and insubstantial, a wisp of a ghost</div>
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as you now are.</div>
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<br /></div>
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No words of comfort mean anything, not anymore, </div>
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all the prayers in the world mean nothing.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I talk to people, and write words of pitiful grace;</div>
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hoping to ease my pain but only forcing the cut open wider.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Someone’s daughter, someone’s friend, someone’s girlfriend</div>
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is gone and there is nothing that we can do but not bury ourselves with grief;</div>
do everything to keep her memory alive.<br />
<br />
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God help me, my terror and loneliness is paramount;</div>
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though wish as I may Cari is still gone.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
© 2015 p.hill</div>
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<br /></div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-42102006991517439102014-12-14T16:29:00.001-07:002014-12-14T16:29:39.106-07:00Calamity; You're Not What I Wanted...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I would love to tell you that it was all worth it.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Hiding beneath the good intentions and smiling</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
through the darkness and the pain; lost in darkness pit,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
violins pierce darkness; lifting me up on angelic wing.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
From across the room I can feel you watching, silently</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
judging with those cold jaded eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I ever get back</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
to the place that I once was, not here so regretfully</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
crouched in the corner, emotion beginning to crack.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I swear to you I could have been a different person</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
but we both know that due to a toss of fate's coin</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
it wasn’t going to end in any other distinct fashion.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Now it’s too late to tell each other who might have won.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
If I lie awake for one more night, pretending you</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
can feel me needing you and desiring what we had known,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
would it be a total lie?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Turn the music up so loud it blew</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
right through the placental barrier of my headphones.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Even that won’t drown out the sound coming through the old </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
radio relegated to the attic of memory; voices of loves
long gone.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Ghostly chains that rattle through the halls of memory
untold</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
stir up the echoes of the love once shared but now done.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I can still see Danny’s face, smiling before he ate the
gun, </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
and we both knew that was going to be the end of it for
us</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
because as much as I loved you, he came between us, an
evil pun</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
and we both knew that I wanted to take his place, without
such fuss.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Now as we say our final goodbye, one final thing, a last
request</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
nags on my mind, because I still have so much to say</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
there are things that need to be said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You always were best,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
a love I could never conquer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You kept my demons at bay</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
and without your heart, such a fragile thing to wear on a
sleeve</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I now know that I would be the one, lying there, on
display.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I have since come to know, I swear I have to believe</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
that you were the one who was destined to go away.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It is I who must stay here, endure this pain because you
were pure,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
too righteous for the guilt and shame that now rack my
soul.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Not too much longer now, I’ll be coming home to you, will
I through</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
these damned eyes see your shining spirit?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your entirety, your whole</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
beautiful being that could never be tainted by the
blackness of mine?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Somehow I know that I have failed you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were the one</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
holding back the pain, helping me forget the dangers, the
crime</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
and the anxiety of love’s long virtue <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>now come undone.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Life’s little book that you and I once shared, now set
aflame</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
in agony, no longer the passion of our uncharacteristic
youth</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
will be the only thing left that will ever be here to
remain.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I know that it can’t rain all the time, but my quivering
mouth</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
cannot begin to grasp waterfalls of tears streaming down
my cheek.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I wish that they could see through my camouflage, and
that this cage</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
has held me prisoner for far too long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would run but I’m too weak</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
and now I realize that in order to survive I’ll have to
give in to the rage,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
hateful, raw emotion that used to course through every
dirty kiss we shared.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As the ground swallows you whole I say my final goodbye,
once again </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
wishing that I could trade you places, but secretly
knowing you fared</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
better than I ever could have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once I thought I would do anything to begin</div>
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<br /></div>
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again with you, but you aren’t mine anymore, you belong
to something else</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
never to be mine, to hold, to touch, to caress or care
for again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What has built</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
up inside me is now the acidic drops of regret but that
is my pain, for worse</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
or for better, you get to sleep the sleep…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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© 2014 p.hill</div>
<br />
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-89337203580336109852014-07-29T21:04:00.001-06:002014-07-29T21:06:36.632-06:00...a father's wish - verse #2...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Oh my little child, what changes will you see?</div>
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So unaware of the world now that is now to be</div>
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your new home so far away from my heart,</div>
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now that we have grown up and grown apart.</div>
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Oh my little child, were you ever aware</div>
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of the gaze of the world’s persistent stare?</div>
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<br /></div>
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To look upon a child so meek and so mild</div>
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discouraged to ever let you once run wild.</div>
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Oh my child, what will this new found freedom show </div>
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<br /></div>
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those secrets of the universe, waiting to be unlocked.</div>
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I pray for you, that you’ll never once be blocked</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>in your quest
to find who you really are .</div>
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<br /></div>
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Oh my child, I pray so heartily that you are never far</div>
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in spirit from the loving arms where you now are.</div>
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<br /></div>
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With a world now at your fingers, so easy to touch</div>
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you’ll never be who you were, at least, not so much.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Oh my child, once again, above all I pray that will you
forever know this;</div>
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I’ll always be there, in spirit or flesh, to give you one
last goodnight kiss.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Forever will you stay here, tucked in my arms,</div>
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Never, ever, will you have to fea<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a>r
for safety or harm.</div>
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<br /></div>
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© 2014 p.hill</div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-74515948263004197352014-07-03T21:11:00.001-06:002014-07-03T21:12:14.960-06:00Obscenely Serene<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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We met in the emergency room, remember?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Your quiet blue eyes rolled past me, just a subtle
glimpse.</div>
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On this putrid summer day, not yet September,</div>
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your pale skin fairly glowing under tawdry overhead light.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Your face didn’t seem to indicate a desire to converse.</div>
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I wanted to ask you what your story was,</div>
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but I seriously doubted that in any universe</div>
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my imagination could compare to the truth of it all.</div>
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<br /></div>
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We passed in the hall; such a sterile meeting place.</div>
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Not even a whisper of breeze, so obscenely serene.</div>
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I know I shouldn’t look at you, in such a state of
disgrace,</div>
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but your face tells me there is a story, begging to be
told.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Underneath the white cotton sheet your body gives form</div>
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to a frail body speckled in blood and delicate gore;</div>
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body’s human perfection now broken and torn.</div>
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A testament to trauma’s unlimited capability.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Outside the automatic doors the swollen clouds have
ruptured,</div>
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pouring sweaty tears down upon blistering concrete
sidewalks.</div>
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Mother Nature herself gnashes at the audacity mirrored</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
in the cold and chemical bleached hallways of this tomb.</div>
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<br /></div>
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We met one day, not long ago, in an emergency room </div>
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hall while outside nature disapproved of the slight
against</div>
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one of her children with lightning and thunder’s loud
boom.</div>
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So quick was our introduction on that fateful day that</div>
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<br /></div>
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there was no way to properly introduce myself, much less</div>
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a proper way to say goodbye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was on my way out the door </div>
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and you were on your way to the morgue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I digress,</div>
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too much do I wander in thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For we shall meet no more.</div>
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© 2014 p.hill</div>
<br />Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-22831714709215961072013-12-24T23:40:00.001-07:002013-12-24T23:40:31.114-07:00The Most Special Christmas Present<!--[if !mso]>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not 30 miles south of Bismarck, the
capital of North Dakota, just off of a blacktopped two lane Highway 6, sits an
old farmhouse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Originally built in the
early portion of the 1900s this particular farmhouse has sat on two separate
foundations, has been added to, subtracted from, resided from its original wood
frame to its now yellow fiberboard siding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Its bright coloring make it an easy mark to spot, even from down the
highway.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Windswept and eroded green and brown hills gently
rise from prairie grasses that in summer time wave under incessant breezes,
but on this December day sit mute and dampened under grey skies and white snow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fields that in other seasons bear the fruits
of golden wheat and green timothy hay sit empty and brown; ragged scars that
refuse to heal up, even under majestic white snowfall. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Various farmsteads sit nestled in clumps
of trees, near natural irrigation ditches carved into the landscape by the
glacial past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the one with the
yellow siding that is sought at this special time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Surrounding farms sport new tractors and
grain silos, fancy ranch vehicles and state of the art buildings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This particular farmstead has slowly faded
into the history of retirement, the empty chicken coop now but a memory of summer
days, catching the fattest chicken to butcher for that night’s dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sagging roof panels are the hallmark of the
red pole barn and decayed wooden gates serve to pen in the nonexistent
hogs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few cattle still mill about but
these past years the main source of income has been water pumped out of the
nearby slough and paid for by the highway department as widening and
resurfacing of Highway 6 turned in from little more than a glorified gravel
road to a proper roadway.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Christmas Day, the ultimate day of gift
giving and receiving, is all but upon the land. Presents shall abound and be
strewn through mountains and tunnels of foiled wrapping paper, fancy cut ribbons
and bags of bows collected for someone’s mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>8:15 p.m. The countdown is T-36 hours until
that magical moment arrives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the
moment, anticipation is the name of the game.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Slowly relatives have begun to arrive from
all corners of the state, and the country.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Vehicles of all shapes and sizes are stacked bumper to bumper, in the
gravel driveway and dooryard of this tiny farm; one of the many that dot this
prairie landscape. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>License plates tacked
to these vehicles speak of roads traveled and miles added for these joyous if all
too brief occasions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cousins reunite and
hug as if no time has passed at all since their last meeting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Aunts pinch the cheeks of their nieces and
nephews, commenting on how big they have gotten since they last saw each other,
even if it was only last Monday.<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Smells of hot chocolate with mini
marshmallows and spiced apple cider with cinnamon hang heavy in the humid air of
the kitchen as the ham slowly roasts itself to golden perfection in the old
white oven, not too far from the watchful eye of a dutiful kitchen taskmaster (Mom,
Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa have all taken their turn in this capacity). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mashed potatoes and stuffing slowly hiss at
each other from cast iron pans and pots, as if they too are savoring the moment
when they will be drenched in a bath of homemade gravy, made from meat
drippings and corn starch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Relish trays
of baby carrots, celery, pickles and black olives (there are never enough black
olives) sit in the center of the “Adult’s Table.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Spiced pumpkin plachendla, meant to be one of
the many desserts, is slowly picked apart handful by handful by adults and kids
alike who pass the table, earning a not so subtle <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">HARUMPH</i> of distaste from Grandma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Soon the ancient pie tin bears not much more than a few scraps of the
homemade crust.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dutifully, the “Kids’ Table” is set in the
corner of the living room, adjacent to the dining room, across from the tree,
but where parents can still keep an eye on the gleeful youngsters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cousins of all age gather around this folding
card table because there are no looks of disapproval when mashed potato
mountains erupt with gravy lava all over the disposable plastic table cloth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fine linen table cloths are reserved for
the adults table.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pies that were placed into that very same white
oven, earlier in the day, are now slowly cooling on the back steps; old
concrete steps that have a metal pipe handrail bolted to the house’s siding to
provide traction when they become iced over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Tubs of frozen whipped cream sit next to the pies, sweating from the
temperature difference.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though temperatures are dipping into
the low 20s, the back door is cracked open, to keep the readout on the thermometer
in this tiny, humid kitchen bearable, allowing the mournful whistle of a frigid
December wind to mix and mash the savory aromas from said kitchen and deliver
them to the waiting guests who are congregating and gabbing and laughing, in and
around the living room. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>New age tunes from the Trans Siberian
Orchestra song "Ornament" are spilling from the speakers of a nearby
CD player.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a stark contrast to
the traditional sounds of Bing Crosby that is usually played on a battered,
wooden record player which takes up one entire corner of the tiny living room,
competing for space on the far wall with an equally ancient and battered piano.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grandkids are growing up and suddenly they
have a voice in what music will be heard this Christmas season, creating an out
of sync, yet still harmonious rhythm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Christmas music, no matter what decade of origin, will always find a way
to come together.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Adults mill about the living room,
conversing in hushed tones so that the music can still be heard, while sipping
cups of coffee that have been discreetly laced with shots of Kahlua.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Others are in the basement, smoking
unfiltered Lucky Strike cigarettes because it’s too cold to smoke outside, and
Grandma won’t allow them to smoke upstairs where the kids are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Briefly someone attempts to play a harmonica
in tune with Trans Siberian Orchestra, but as quickly as it starts, it ends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A haunting melody…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no formal dress code for this
event, as turtle neck sweaters, faded blue jeans are a standard affair.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Children have pilfered, and continue to do
so, handfuls of Grandma’s homemade caramels and have been stuffing their cheeks
full of them, not minding the occasional bit of foil that gets stuck between
their teeth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tin foil wrappers become
instant wads of valuable silver to be hidden by cousins and then later
“discovered” by other cousins, who hoard those wads as if they were indeed precious
metals.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trails of air popped corn litter the
scarred linoleum floor of the kitchen and the dining room as these very same
children sneak handful after handful to the back bedroom where games of Chinese
checkers, Scrabble and UNO are scattered between Lincoln log forts where GI
Joes and Lego characters do battle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here in the back bedroom children can be
as loud as they want because they are far enough away from the adults for
anyone to mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Down the hall, on the
opposite end of the house, is Grandma and Grandpa’s bedroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Identical twin beds with hand stitched
identical orange comforters and a dresser with a mounted mirror are the only
furnishings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Children don’t dare play in
this room, but still they steal peeks into the room, admiring those orange
comforters because of the intriguing way two simple blankets can so brightly
light a tiny room.<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Piles of soaked mittens, boots, caps,
snow pants and coats are strewn about the basement; a damp reminder of the
earlier afternoon's outdoor activities. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
pungent aroma of woolen socks drying out over heater vents rises up to do
battle with the aromas from the kitchen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Occasionally an adult coming down the steps, to retrieve a jar of
chokecherry jam will trip over an article of clothing, muttering under their
breath, but there is no harm or ill intent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Children coming in from outside are never mindful where the wet clothes
fall when there is a promise of hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sleds that went rocketing down the frozen
slopes of Flintstone Hill, behind the house, are now stacked haphazardly by the
pies, on those same frozen concrete steps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Multiple treks up the slope, through the shelter belt of trees that the
grandkids have dubbed “The Enchanted Forest,” past the cow fence, and the
frozen slough, to the very top where, in the summer time, children of all ages
have dug into the soft, sand coated earth, building forts of all shapes and
sizes, have left child and adult alike exhausted and out of breath; that is
until the next rocket ride down the hill.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through the mayhem a child wanders towards
the centerpiece of the festivities this evening. A beautiful green tree stands
in the corner of the living room, compliments and adorations are thrown in
regards to the beautiful, if mismatched ornaments that decorate the tree in the
truly haphazard way that only the small fingers of a dedicated child artist
could master.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Construction paper rings
frame wallet sized school portraits of bucktoothed grandkids smiling their
toothiest grin that only grandparents could love, threaded with colored yard
hang from the short needles of the Douglas fir purchased from The Green Thumb;
an ancient looking windowless greenhouse composed of soot grey cinder block
that is a permanent fixture on North Interstate Avenue, in Bismarck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In all respects a relic left over from when
Bismarck was an up and coming town and the north side was nothing more than
prairie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Smells of freshly cut pine sawdust
hang heavy in the cool air as prospective buyers wind up and down aisles,
stepping over piles of orange bailing twine and green metal tree stands,
looking for that one perfect tree, ready to haggle over price with all the
enthusiasm of a Middle Eastern market dweller.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Each year alternates between long needle and short needle trees, just to
make sure everyone was happy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Colored glass globes with wire hooks that
always seem to disappear between holidays mingle with toy soldier and
locomotive decorations purchased from the Hallmark store in Kirkwood Mall, on
South 3<sup>rd</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ancient, fat bulbs
with their colored paint chipping off from decades of stringing that were most
surely a fire hazard looped through the sagging branches of the fir, sagging
under the weight of decades’ worth of ornaments, marking milestones gone long
out of memory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Topped with a ragged
silver star that should light up, but often doesn’t due to its age, the tree
has become the iconic celebratory decoration of the season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No longer a simple tree, but a beacon for
eyes young and old alike, drawing gazes and the occasional guess as to what
bounty lay wrapped in bright paper and perfect bows and ribbons.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hand created and decorated stockings frame
the tree in a postcard, picturesque setting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Names stitched into the fabric ensure no one will awake confused as to
what trinkets Santa has provided for whom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Tacked to the sun faded wallpaper with colored pushpins they are no more
matched than the ornaments.<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having been nudged away and silently
shushed from asking about presents on several previous occasions the child
peers out the weather frosted windows. For just a moment winter’s howling wind
dies down and there is a break in the flying snowflakes; the light of one lone
star shines down to light the face of the child. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He can see the chicken coop with the
tattered hexagonal wire fencing, across the snow covered gravel driveway, the
horse barn with the hayloft that is too dangerous to climb up to anymore, and
abandoned pig shed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The minimal traffic
of the highway seems so far away; insubstantial.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With just the briefest moment of courage, and
hope in the child's heart, he steals his father's attention, for just an
instant. In that instant he asks, with longing in his eyes, could he open just
one present? Just this once? Just a little bit early?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are no other kids around and no one
would even notice.<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dressed in faded work jeans and a
flannel shirt, the father smiles down at the child, his unshaven face bearing a
full day’s bearded stubble with years of sun wrinkles and creases at the
corners of his lips from laughing, reassuring him that it will only be a little
while longer before the presents are unwrapped. They aren’t going anywhere. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the back of his mind, the father briefly
thinks about giving in and letting the young child open a small gift.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, that wouldn’t be fair to everyone else,
would it?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the tiniest of sighs the child
silently walks away. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not in anger, but
with longing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For in that instant when
all the world is right; lit in the glow of a turned down lamp in the opposite
corner and the electric hues of the bright bulbs on the tree that have to be
unplugged at night lest they catch the dried branches of the fir on fire.
Longing for that instant when it's OK, for just for a moment, to spill your
cider on the living room rug because the mounds of wrapping paper will hide the
mess and when it dries, it will be just one more stain in a long history on
that ancient orange shag, indistinguishable from previous markings. Longing for
that instant when it will be OK to stay up past bedtime because there is no
school tomorrow and the excitement of the presents will keep him awake, anyway.<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What the child doesn't know, as his
tiny hands are grasping at the fingers of his father's rough hand is that there
was one present that was already opened. The father chokes back his own sigh as
he realizes he was given the present of such a beautiful wife, and such
wonderful children. Beautiful friends and generous and loving family grace his
world in a way that cannot be measured by any amount of money or wealth. And
while it is not always apparent to those around him, the father would give all
that he had to live in that one instant for all of eternity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Others cannot see or feel the joy in the
father’s heart as he grips his son’s tiny hand, so smooth, not yet calloused by
work and the world around him.<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The father has been given a present
that only the wisdom of time can open. And while it's sometimes time consuming
and often bitter to learn how to properly untie that knot on the bow of that
special present it's a skill that can only be mastered through trial and error,
lest the beauty of the gift be tarnished through the rushing and careless act
of negligence.<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so while the snow swirls down,
around and amid the cold currents of December air, the house with the orange
shag carpet, hand crocheted sofa covers and strings of fat, colored bulbs from
the 1960s adorning the tree and windows, lit by the warm orange glow of an arc
sodium light, standing watch over the entire yard; that house has become the
center of all that is right and good in the world.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The father watches his son wander through
the mix of people, silently grateful, tears brimming in his eyes, as he takes a
sip of his coffee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No toy or bauble or
scarf or gizmo from a magazine could compare to this moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The father is not embarrassed by the tear on
his cheek.</span></div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-19510362512166730412013-09-11T21:48:00.000-06:002013-09-11T21:48:35.027-06:00Remember, remember... Our 11th of September...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
11 Sept 01.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
been 12 years, an eternity, an instant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The events still don’t seem real, and in very much a fashion, they
aren’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In an instant my generation had
a moment akin to 22 Nov 63.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are
people who can tell you where they were, what they were doing, who they were
with, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How will my children
understand this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will my children
understand the impact?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My oldest daughter
was barely a month old and not even aware of the world outside her tiny
view.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My other children have never set
foot in a world where there existed “the Twin Towers” outside of history books.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Terrorists, in a very real sense, sought to dismantle an
American way of life and in doing so slaughtered thousands of people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the years since, the best men and women
this country could muster up went to war and some came home, some did not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All over this globe there are small patches
of earth that are distinctly American because a soldier with the stars and
stripes on their shoulder fell there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is not a new concept, or a new thought process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>War has been war since the dawn of time.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
What is different, now, is that it is people I know,
people I have loved, people whose faces are now imprinted on my mind, hiding in
the dark recesses of my mind, whose ghosts come to see me at night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are the people who are paying the price
for war.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
What I would say, though, to the terrorists that purport
to their ability to destroy America is this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You can’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You won’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because in all of the pain, intolerance,
resistance that you have caused the American people; all the new laws, rules
and hassles that abound, you will never be able to see inside the heart of the
American spirit.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
What you terrorists don’t see is that the blood of my
fellow citizens flows freely and while our society has been torn up and rent
inside and out, we will make it bigger, better, stronger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are resistant to change, but physics tell
me that most things are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we can
adapt, we can grow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where you see only
hate, we see opportunity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where you see
hatred, we see an opportunity for love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Where you see an enemy I see a person to not judge.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
What the terrorists of 11 Sept 01 did was bring a country
together, even if only for a brief amount of time, and remind them what great
things they can be capable of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the
WBC did so recently in my city, the terrorists unified its members for the
forces of good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So while you terrorists
seek to destroy and maim what we know is good, we will always rebuild and go
on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My children will grow in a world
that knows about you but they will also know about the love and the greatness
that this nation has to offer.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
To the terrorists:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>you failed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You tried to break
the American spirit and you couldn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Each time you bloodied us, we got up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Each time you jabbed at us, we punched back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each time you insulted us, we smiled and
said, “Thank you, sir.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>May I have
another?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You taught me not to hate, but
rather to take all life for the precious gift it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have shown me that there is still good
left in my society, because when you came to our door, my brothers and sisters
of this nation answered.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
God / Allah / Heavenly Father, whatever name you attach
to a supreme being, or don’t, is a being of love and benevolence, and it
saddens me that you will never be able to realize that gift.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These last 12 years have taught me to never
forget that lesson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
To the thousands who have perished in this nation’s quest
for peace, your names will ring loud in Heaven and on this day, remember those
who were lost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Share the stories so that
our children never forget and that they always remember the gift we do have.</div>
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<br /></div>
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© 2013 p.hill</div>
<br /><br />
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-64327725411703609752013-08-25T18:16:00.000-06:002013-08-25T18:16:08.361-06:00...nightmares in color...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Chemically balanced hallucinations </div>
brought to life by memories no
longer buried,<br />
past visions of what were sins
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
embedded
in the psyche; married</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As it were.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bound
in form and shape</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span> as
ethereal portraits, tattered canvases</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
strung
end to end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Macabre film tape</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
overexposed
to garish glass</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Statuettes of disillusionment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Memory spark</div>
gives light to dim horrors<br />
so soon forgotten but with a careless
remark<br />
comes back with such savage
roar.
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Too curious about the dead and what cannot be,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
sitting
alone at a impasse, precipice,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>the
mirror of time shows a reflection not of me.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A
strange face stares back, identity amiss</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
To the relation of the soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Monsters and resurrection</div>
dominate all thought process and
function.<br />
God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Damn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If only I could shun<br />
what seems to demand and
dominate attention;
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
More than its fair share of my time.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If I
could push them back down</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>these
unsightly demons of mine</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>would
they weigh so heavy, an unpleasant crown</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Made of thorns, of brambles and things made to prick</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>causing
blood to draw from unsightly wounds</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>heavy
on my heart like a cinder brick</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>sewn<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>mortar with flesh, a self contained tomb.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Heavy is the heart behind the eyelids of the damned</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>wishes
for sanity and longing for sleep</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>inside
this crazed mind they now become crammed</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>nothing
left to do now, but lie in the dark and weep.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
© 2013 p.hill</div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-31418811310723983792013-08-22T01:26:00.000-06:002013-08-22T01:28:10.622-06:00those times we danced…<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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do you remember the night we danced;</div>
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the time we twirled under the moonlight?</div>
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times you held me close so that your perfume</div>
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eased its way into my nostrils…</div>
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do you remember the time that we held each under meteor showers</div>
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how the sky rained down around us as if the world were
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I remember that was the night we danced</div>
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next to someone else or worse next to no one at all?</div>
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that morning we danced</div>
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<br /></div>
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do you remember the night we lost our way?</div>
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that special and scary time was trying and it was true</div>
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we survived those harsh realities and persevered</div>
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afraid that if we let go, we’d be lost?</div>
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I remember it all…</div>
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that cold night we danced</div>
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<br /></div>
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through all of these years and these miles</div>
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with all the ups and the downs;</div>
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joys and the horrors that we’ve lived through</div>
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my favorite memories are of</div>
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those days and nights we danced together</div>
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with all the world watching; all eyes on you</div>
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we danced until our feet hurt; our eyes red with tears
brimmed over</div>
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tears of happiness; tears of relief…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>we made it…</div>
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<br /></div>
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© 2013 p.hill</div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-89067488330862349282013-07-20T22:52:00.000-06:002014-07-30T12:35:56.210-06:00...a father's wish - verse #1...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My child little child where do you go</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
When your feet now touch winter’s new snow?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My child little child what do you see</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
When you wander so very far from me?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My child little child what clues do you leave</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
When you wander away and your parents now grieve?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My child little child what sights does the world show</div>
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When you are off to the places you will go?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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My child little child are you scared now</div>
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<br /></div>
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My child oh my little child know this above all</div>
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I will always love you most of all…</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
© 2013 p.hill</div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-27815351058346302852013-07-19T22:41:00.000-06:002013-07-19T22:43:15.957-06:00kites in a cemetery<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">recall with such vivid
memory </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">burst</i></b> into tears!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">no less appropriate</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">than flying kites in a
cemetery</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">waterfalls of tears drown
down</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">echoes of the woman; gone</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">precious images from
derelict hotels</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">shadowy clips in clouded
past</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I wish you could see me
now</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">but you don’t see me
anymore</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">you see no one at all</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">subtle pulse of my heartbeat</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">rhythm</i></b></span></div>
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pain</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">your sound has gone dark</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">rhythmic scratching of a
needle</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">on record’s side done</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">if I could say one thing,
anything</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">just now I would say I am </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>s<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">orry?</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">when we said goodbye</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">on steps of the church so
cold</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">in the warm spring sun</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">it wasn’t supposed to be
forever</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">forever goes by too fast
to count</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">what happened to our
innocent</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">days?</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">lying under pool tables,
kissing to</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">the sounds of Spacehog…</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">we didn’t just grow apart
but</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>fell apart</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">torn apart ripped apart
thrown</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">to the four winds of
future and</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fate</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">the noose fell tight and
choked</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">the light out of our
naivety</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">strangled by the weight on
the </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">simple third left that
left us with</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">duty</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">even now we pass in
politeness</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">but never more do we speak</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">of the fateful nights when</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">passion ran free and so
did our</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">inexperienced hands and
tongues</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">salt stains the face now,
still now</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">why now?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>why not go and leave</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">the happy memories of
youth?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">we erected those markers
of youth</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">and bowed before them and
lived </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">in the happiness of
impropriety</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">inappropriate</i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">just like kites flying in
a cemetery</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">© 2013 p.hill</span></div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-48187136282567510382013-07-18T00:02:00.001-06:002013-07-18T00:02:52.359-06:00gentleman; bastard<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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bees wax poetic on a dusty record player</div>
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warped ancient vinyl dancing circular</div>
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designed to emanate symphonic melody;</div>
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instead a discordant sound.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I stood in the doorway and watched her cry</div>
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that last bit of life we shared now gone,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
extinguished in a single barbed comment</div>
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because we went to bed angry.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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what should have been whimsical and delicious</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
now the tinny cat gut sound of dying affection.</div>
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heat swelters through this old stick frame house</div>
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baking the trapped occupants to a sickly sticky end.</div>
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<br /></div>
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while the world spins oblivious outside</div>
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the night calls out, but the stars can’t reach;</div>
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light dimmed by the cloud of emotion that hangs</div>
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damp and deep over our heads.</div>
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<br /></div>
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sweat from frustrations long pent up</div>
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soaks the sheets where we once tossed.</div>
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words should be so poetic but fall hollow on a page</div>
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hollow as the sound of an empty chamber in the gun,</div>
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<br /></div>
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hollow as the sound of an empty glass that once held
liquor</div>
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and dreams and romance and desires and lust </div>
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all things that would have made this life complete</div>
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but for the fact that effort couldn’t compete with
impotence.</div>
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<br /></div>
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and now Ginsburg himself can hear the howl; </div>
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tortured scream of pain that should have been mistaken
for ecstasy</div>
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now sounds of an animal in its death throes.</div>
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if only a simple apology could fix all the wrongs </div>
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<br /></div>
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a kiss good night could say all the things that needed <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>said.</div>
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we might not be here now wasting away </div>
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dying of thirst because we are too oblivious to notice </div>
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we were each others’ resuscitation.</div>
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<br /></div>
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too late too bad so sad now gone. </div>
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the world has moved on and I wasn’t invited.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
© 2013 p.hill</div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-13086771754756766792013-04-25T22:19:00.000-06:002014-07-29T20:59:19.399-06:00...that time i said too much...Neon green meteorites rained down<br />
on an old brown Buick Century;<br />
windshield glass fogged by indiscretion.<br />
<br />
Too delicate to look away and<br />
too embarrassed to admit that<br />
he was rubbing the armrest that<br />
he mistook for her leg.<br />
<br />
Stealing quick glances at her<br />
petite breasts that leapt out of her low cut<br />
sundress as she bent over to retrieve her bag.<br />
<br />
Hippies don’t wear bras, thank God.<br />
<br />
I tell this story and laugh because<br />
that was a long time ago and<br />
the mental trauma has faded to hilarity.<br />
<br />
So I pen this story in atypical <span style="color: orange;">orange</span> ink.<br />
<br />
That’s right motherfuckers I’m comfortable<br />
with my sexuality; stupid hot pink tattoos<br />
that I’d love to show off on my pale biceps<br />
because they are so damn awesome.<br />
<br />
But I would have to take off my shirt<br />
and I dare say no one wants to see my scarred<br />
nipples from 10 gage rings that used to<br />
sag my man boobs and bleed through<br />
my best shirts because they never fully healed.<br />
<br />
Do people see the hidden meaning of the<br />
fact that there is no hidden meaning<br />
in my artwork?<br />
<br />
If dinosaurs could diffuse bombs then<br />
our pop machines would always be<br />
stocked by poor tyrannosaurs with short<br />
arms and senior citizen style extension grips<br />
used to retrieve soup cans by people confined<br />
to their Hoverounds and fueled by<br />
a desire to never give up<br />
as they cruised the Grand Canyon and Wal Mart aisles.<br />
<br />
I’d write more but I can’t feel my hand…<br />
<br />
Shit.<br />
<br />
(c) 2013 p.hill Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-66079695146613053702013-03-28T22:12:00.000-06:002013-07-17T22:42:49.348-06:00…Of Captains and Mobster Poets…<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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Such should be a</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
class that could be</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
as a lab where</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
we might get up</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
to such business…</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Nefarious.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Such should be a class</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
where the captain forced us to dark uncharted</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
waters. The soul shown as dark mirror that gives</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
deep seeded introspection; gives me vision.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Allows me to see that which I should not see,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
mourning the loss of my child like romance.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Bound to rules that</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
when are learned well</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
are so easily cast off, now.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Shunned!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Banned from the pages that we dictate</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
as being the rod and rule. For now we have</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
come to the end when it has all been laid</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
onto pages milk white and lined dead blue.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The pen has now become the pun, a tool,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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you see… Giv’n life by hands no longer trembling.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The word is now the picture, a frame of mind…</div>
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<br /></div>
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I will make no apologies for that which is</div>
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said, and what must be put to the paper.</div>
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The thoughts that have rattled around are so</div>
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near to escape, a sweet release. Far too</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
long have they been constrained; forced to live in…</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
inside the depths of my dimension. Now</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
soon, free to float without form or shape</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
that was given them by a sinister headmaster.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Words take wing; FLY! Give us your heavy downdraft</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
to buffet our brains with phrases unclear and meanings
unknown…</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Standing on our desks we cry loud, “O Captain!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My Captain!” A last honor as we slow march</div>
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<br /></div>
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out these frosted and stained wooden doors.</div>
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Oh Captain, My Captain…</div>
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…what a lesson we have been
given.<br />
<br />
(c) 2013 p.hill </div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-66553410241423102812013-03-28T21:00:00.001-06:002013-07-17T22:42:26.250-06:00Oblivious to ObviousPorcelain china doll skin<br />
shows bright under stark yellow<br />
fly bloated light.<br />
<br />
I reach to take your hand<br />
unaware your fingers have broken off in mine.<br />
<br />
A silent victim becomes ash,<br />
the twinkle in your eye once so green<br />
now a melting pool of candle wax.<br />
<br />
Under the onslaught of flame<br />
your delicate lace bra strap<br />
has fallen on your exposed shoulder.<br />
<br />
Moving to fix it I fail to notice<br />
the charred sackcloth once sundress.<br />
<br />
Oblivious to smoke I see fresh mountain air;<br />
a bountiful spread of vivacious hair<br />
so eager to have fingers run through it,<br />
now fallen away to soot.<br />
<br />
An unnoticed television plays in the corner,<br />
a sad box encasing flame.<br />
<br />
What was once so good<br />
shall always be now.<br />
<br />
The glorious rays of paradise<br />
bask me up and down,<br />
reclining in the crematorium's coffin.<br />
<br />
(c) 2013 p.hill Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-26861948673628281892013-03-11T22:57:00.000-06:002013-07-17T22:42:01.040-06:00Toy Soldiers in Maple's AutumnI would if I could tell you we died well<br />
that in glorious fashion a charge we led<br />
such that men might remember and tell stories<br />
these things I would love to tell you about<br />
but the truth is not simple<br />
it never is<br />
<br />
instead on a fall's cold day staring down<br />
the impending onslaught of winter's embrace<br />
an old man stooped in the last sad rays of muted sunlight<br />
blood that once ran hot in his veins<br />
now lies tacky, spilled on forested floors<br />
<br />
a valiant knight once stood tall in his saddle,<br />
white hair signifying an age but not condemning<br />
him to the sentence of a number<br />
his brave band of armed countrymen stand defiant, to the last<br />
against the coming assault; a ragged fence<br />
<br />
I would if I could tell you that he died well<br />
but, in the summer's last light his life he gave<br />
stood barrier between women and men, so proud and brave<br />
however as the sun sank low in the western sky<br />
with puncture wound drawn open, he led his charge, bled and fell<br />
<br />
the knight we so bravely and so valiantly defended<br />
stood tall in his saddle for the very last time<br />
but even our brave Lord could not hold out<br />
against the final insults of treacherous hands<br />
placed in power by the same ones that stripped him bare<br />
<br />
and we brave few held out as long as we dared<br />
no matter time of day we kept our charge close<br />
until bitter end when we too must give up this ghost<br />
facing the long slow fall on brisk breeze's wings<br />
back towards the earth from once we sprang<br />
<br />
the piles of our fallen brethren<br />
await collection by unknown hands<br />
uncaring as they are piled into<br />
heavy plastic bags in an attempt to<br />
ferry us away<br />
<br />
but my brothers do not go easily<br />
and in one last act of defiance<br />
destroy the bonds that attempt to hold them<br />
scattered to the winds as prisoners set loose<br />
their muted rustle marks passage of time<br />
but they do not get far, poor lost squires<br />
<br />
dead mingled with dead<br />
vibrant colors drained to earthly brown<br />
I would if I could tell you that we died well<br />
<br />
(c) 2013 p.hill Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-12049537032679581132013-02-10T21:55:00.000-07:002013-07-17T22:41:33.099-06:00Letters and Paper Promises Raining From the Sky<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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(c) 2013 p.hill </div>
Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-2192009679322505842013-02-08T23:57:00.001-07:002013-02-08T23:57:26.272-07:00Once Upon A Time When I Was Haunted<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">She used to creep into my mind</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">When I wasn’t looking</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">She would steal visions from my eyes</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Replacing them with the memories of days long gone;</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Times long dead</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">But then once upon a time when I was haunted</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">This pretty little thing</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">She left me one day</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I watched her walk out of the door,</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Out of my life</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">In that instant I hated her the most</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Because she had taken all those little memories</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">That I used to hold so dear</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Once upon a time when I was haunted</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was filled with the rage and sadness </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">From innumerable terrible events</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">From the time that I can remember being able to remember</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I attended the funerals for the things that I held most
dear</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Slowly letting the dirt of life slip through my fingers</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Gently cascading down to soft little piles spilling over</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The sides of those golden coffins</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Once upon a time when I was haunted</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I watched this pretty little thing</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Keep me company in the darkest hours of my days</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Keep my sanity to a level that was unreachable on my own</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">This little ghost of a thing kept me intravenously fed</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Bleeding herself off, so that I could be nourished</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And when she was bled completely dry</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">This little ghost that used to haunt me</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">She walked away, into the dark of the cold night</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Once upon a time I was haunted</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And while I hated that the torment was of my own creation</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Sometimes I miss the fact that a little spirit would come
visit me</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Sometimes I miss the fact that there was a little spirit
at all</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">Sometimes I miss being haunted…</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">(c) 2013 p.hill </span></span>Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1870764989633893912.post-92160789099589614162012-11-29T21:14:00.001-07:002012-11-29T21:14:01.613-07:00Cinammon Girl"I want to live with a cinnamon girl<br />
I could be happy the rest of my life with her<br />
A dreamer of pictures I run in the night<br />
You see us together chase the moonlight..."<br />
<br />
It's amazing what a little Type O Negative can do for my thought processes and editing purposes... I'm just thinking that if I could do so many writing projects over again, I would gather up every one of my Type O Neg albums and set 'em back to back and use them as my soundtrack for writing... Whether it's science or not, the voice of Peter Steele really makes me wanna just rage against my computer, rage against the whole revolutionary thought process and let flow the words from my fingers as they strike the keys with such a ferocity that I can't help but be impressed that my poor little Dell didn't send a SHIFT key of an ENTER key a flying through the air... <br />
<br />
I've tried to use various forms of other music to work to and it just seems that no matter what I use, I always come back to my Type O Neg... I've got a beautiful record player in the living room and it has more often than not put forth the sound of Dave Brubeck and Miles Davis and just to be silly a bit of The Clash... Yet the nostalgia doesn't get my juices flowing as the sounds of the song BLOODY KISSES does and how I want to weep and strike my keyboard as if it were a medieval organ gnashing as the saddened undertones of the woman's weeping in the background seems to put forth the curtain that my writing lies behind.<br />
<br />
As I sit and become stressed at the amount of school work that I am faced with and the amount of paperwork that never ceases to fall before me, both in the academic world, but also the business world and the personal world, I know that I can count on my Type O Negative to really allow me to reopen those old scars and fall back into the dark pit of writing. I think that we always try to deny dark urges of writing but once in a while, ya just have to lest that bastard out and see what hell he's gonna raise on your paper in front you... <br />
<br />
Professional or not, sobriety or not, there is something to be said for a piss warm "beer" in your hand and a keyboard that won't relent to your insistent bashing and the keys that would cry MERCY if they had a voice other than what I gave them... The music sets my mind free and at this stage, it feels good to let it all of your chest and let it fly, if only to wake tomorrow and regret the words that have been put to paper.<br />
<br />
The ink that was the blood of my thoughts serves to remind me that the process is never complete........................<br />
<br />
never Reverandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04975089915794127761noreply@blogger.com0